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  1. questionsfromateenager says

    This was so interesting for me to read! I have never even downloaded a dating app, but the older I get the more I feel like I should at least, I don’t know… try? I love that you mentioned the negative effects online dating can have as well… I think it’s important to stay aware of these factors!

    What bothers me so much about online dating (and what has prevented me from trying it so far) is that it is mostly based on looks. And I have always been the type of person who has found themselves in relationships with people I did not find attractive at first. Hookups or One Night Stands are different, but relationships have always been like that for me. That’s why I find it so difficult to describe my “ideal/usual type” – because romantically speaking, I don’t really have one. There is just something to be said about finding a person so beautiful on the inside, that they become more beautiful on the outside. With online dating, that would completely go away…. and I’m not sure I want it to just yet.

    • LauraJ says

      Online dating is based on looks but it’s also based on similarity. Which I don’t necessarily seek in a relationship. I’ve found (something I’m thinking of now because your comments make me analyse further), most people want a person who has their same hobbies, same political beliefs, same food cravings..

      And it seems, when someone else comes along with more in common, they’ll then pursue that. This idea that you can find the most perfect person, keeps some people hooked on the app and trying to find them.

      I don’t go for looks in real life and yet online I’m focused on it. So I get your hesitation. There are great guys on there, it’s just finding them amongst the others.

  2. J | thenellybean says

    I too was puzzled by the importance placed on a man’s height when I tried online dating. I don’t understand it, almost every man would have their height listed on their profile. And the travelling obsession! I get it, but your next holiday destination isn’t exactly what I consider an essential quality in finding a life partner. Online dating is such a mixed bag, and I also realised how judgmental I can be. The pouting, the gazing off into the distance candids, the gym selfies – all an instant no from me. But hey, we live and learn.

    • LauraJ says

      I really don’t like when a guy just stands in front of a mirror with his shirt off. Those types of gym selfies are a big no for me as well. I guess with online dating, you can’t really go off personality because written characteristics can be completely different in reality, so you’re stuck looking at physical traits. And height is an easy judgemental to focus on. Which is pretty unfortunate for short guys!

  3. hoiyinli says

    I love that you actually have a whole section dedicated to Complainers as per our mini conversation last time. I remember one of my earlier matches before Christmas was this obnoxious guy who just fed me a LOT of information within the first 5 minutes of our conversation. I had never felt so…I didn’t feel dumb but I felt like he was treating me like I was dumb and I really didn’t appreciate this. I guess you can say I ‘ghosted’ him and shortly after, he had unmatched me. Complainers are definitely ones to look out for (and avoid) on dating apps.

    The one thing I learnt almost immediately from using dating apps was how grossed out I felt when my likes shot up as soon as my profile went live. 99+ likes? I highly doubt I would get that many suitors in a lifetime! Then I felt gross when I had matched with a few guys and all at once they started to talk to me. It just felt so unnatural to me and even though I knew I wasn’t cheating, I just felt weird. I’ve settled down a bit now and…let’s just say I’ve been on a few first dates and I’ve learnt a lot about people!! I guess that’s the fun part but when it comes to finding ‘someone’ – that’s hugely difficult. I’ve also learnt a lot about myself in the process and how (shockingly) picky I actually am haha!

    • The Style of Laura Jane says

      I think it’s such a common thing! After my first date from the app with a guy who spent the whole night complaining, I realised people just enjoy releasing their stress on new people. And I don’t even think it’s just online dating; some people in general use dates as a way to unravel what’s irritating them – rather than actually forming a connection. I’m glad we’ve both experienced this because it makes the situation a little better knowing it’s not just me and maybe bad date choices.

      I try not to take the likes too serious. I’m more appreciative if someone has taken the time to leave a comment. My issue isn’t that it feels unnatural, it’s the fact that you can have a handle of guys messaging you at one time wanting to meet, and you then have to somehow analyse and pick which ones to go on a date with, and which to just cut communication. And then in the process of that, trying to decipher whether to start a new convo with another guy who has clicked like. It’s choice overload with a small pool of potential you have to filter through. It’s kind of good we’re picky otherwise we’d be overwhelmed.

  4. Beyoutiful says

    Ah can so relate! I just started online dating and was dating a guy for the past 2 months and it was just meh like boring lol. I mean I’ve never dated before and this is my first time. He was really smart and a nice guy but I felt that he just wasn’t interested in connecting emotionally or intellectually. I tried to be charismatic and ask a lot of questions, showed I cared and remembered details (he was a good listener), etc but I felt that my efforts weren’t appreciated at all and he was just too guarded (he’s a bit shy). He was so focused on his wants/needs and didn’t care about what I needed/wanted. I felt like I was giving my all when I received very little in return. I made him comfortable and was trying not to have high expectations but he was just too judgemental about every thing I did that he didn’t really see the good traits of who I really was.

    I take online dating in a mature way and I try not to judge people because everyone has flaws and it’s important to truly connect and like them for who they are but I just don’t get that in return, hence I get judged. I still gave him a chance despite knowing that I wasn’t appreciated/loved but he just left saying that he didn’t feel the spark which I thought was immature because it really takes the time to get to know someone. I’m just so sick of showing love/care and being vulnerable to the wrong people, esp the men who are just emotionally unavailable. I’m def changing my mindset, setting clear boundaries, and guarding myself to make sure that I give my all to someone who truly deserves it.

    I would rather do something else than go back to online dating haha but I know there is the one there for me and just waiting for the right time. But yeah I hope people change their expectations and the way they view online dating and they actually take it seriously. Great post girl ❤️

    • LauraJ says

      Some people can’t grasp that relationships are a compromise and designed for two people. I’m not surprised you got bored if you felt you were the one putting in all the effort, with little return back. Sometimes on the app, you can go out of your way to think of interesting questions and get the most basic responses.

      Do you notice any patterns with the type of guys you like? Sometimes going for the complete opposite can work out really well. The guy may have been clueless on what he actually wanted. But either way, you seem better off without him. I wouldn’t guard yourself too much because you have a great personality to show, just maybe be on more alert?

      A friend of mine wants to go speed dating which I find quite nerve-wracking. There’s not a lot of other options out there. But I’d say keep trying with the apps and maybe look at some other ones. x

      • Beyoutiful says

        Haha yeah I guess I always tend to gravitate towards the guys that are nice but are totally emotionally unavailable. I always make the same mistake which annoys me but I’m def trying be more aware of what I deserve and being more alert. Thanks girl for the support, made me feel much better Hope things really work out for you as well

        • LauraJ says

          Thank you. I’m guilty to, easily falling for the emotionally unavailable men. It’s a relationship pattern that seems to follow me.

    • LauraJ says

      Thank you. I’m trying my hardest this week to look more at personality and characteristics than physical attributes.

  5. Cheila Belinda Martins says

    I met my husband online Seven years ago. We were actually embarrassed about it at the time. We immediately began dating, lived together for 5 years and got married last October. I know it sounds cliché but there is someone out there for you ❤️

    • LauraJ says

      That’s sweet! I think a decade ago, people did look at online dating differently and I had friends who would tell me to lie about how they met their partners, I’m glad that stigma has changed now. Congrats on your wedding! x

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