When will I ever feel good enough? Will my fingers bleed, will my toes crumble and my kidneys crush? Will I die and lay there rough? Will I be floating in the clouds, or just gone like a bubble burst? Only when I’m gone, will I be first? Feeling unwanted, and never quite enough.
I have no legacy. Some will miss me, some will read my blog posts and wonder where I am. Others will unfollow me on Instagram. One less person to keep on their following list. My life is a stage of want and not achieve. I feel I’m on the water, I’ve surpassed the sinking sand. Now I have to figure, not how to swim, but how to float and live.
The life of a perfectionist
Dear perfectionism, I’ll never be happy, I once blogged. “Knowing deep down, that no matter what happens – it will never be enough, is some ways worse, than knowing that it can’t actually happen”, I once wrote. They are the saddest words because acceptance is harder than dreams. It’s really the crusher. Since a little girl, I have looked in the mirror and wondered what else. How do I make myself prettier? What books will make me smarter, and wiser? When will my writing be awarded and critically acclaimed?
Keep going, they’ll say. I am continually developing and growing. Physically, there’s proof. Starting my blog, I was a wannabe writer. Two years in and I’ve seen my copywriting in Bridal Buyer magazine and I’ve spoken to people I thought would never give me moment of day. World’s colliding with the most opposite figures, all due to my art and this blog. My home. My favourite place to write. Lately, it’s been feeling unwanted and not good enough.
There’s always pressure to perform better. Particularly as a writer, you feel you have something to prove. Though famous writers rarely release their best work last – how can J. K Rowling match the success of Harry Potter? Every artist has greater years – Picasso’s memorable ‘Guernica’ was created in 1937 when he died in 73, and Julia Roberts produced my favourite films in the 90’s. That’s the nature of life.
When do we reach the mountain?
Everyone tells us to aim higher. We’re supposed to live on a slant going up. Each year richer, happier and more successfully positioned. Fitter than the last with progress shots that make us look years younger. As self-love and mental health has grown to daily conversation, we additionally need our mindsets to improve. To read more, to endure extra baths and self-attention. It’s a battle I’ve routinely stated we should never leave.
And then I thought back to not feeling good enough. Surly in a state of process that’s never complete, you’re never going to find what you are fully after? Despite my physical changes in life, mentally, I still feel held back by the dark fears rooting my perfectionism. Wondering when I’ll like myself enough to find peace. There is always ‘progress’ yet never enough.
After you begin to feel not entirely worthy, you naturally begin feeling unwanted. There are times when I’ve waited for a guy to leave. Assuming somewhere along the line it will be over. In my relationship currently, I question if I’m entertaining enough for the long-term. Sometimes, you spend endless hours praying to get something. When it finally happens, you quickly doubt your ability to handle it. I believe we assume success heals insecurity – occasionally, success simply releases the insecurity in a different way.
Feeling unwanted by endless pressure
Living and growing is like work and play. You need to create a balance to release contentment. So, I need to keep sharing these types of posts. Ones that don’t attempt to solve anything. They merely unwind present currents. My talented and exceptionally great blogging friend Melina Elisa reminded me.
When you are feeling unwanted or not good enough, it’s probably true. You’re probably in a situation that is unsolvable. No matter how amazing you are, if another is in a place where they cannot grasp your potential, there is nothing you can provide. When my friendship with my best friend ended, I felt too proud to admit my hurt. Spring had begun and my leaves were trapped in autumn.
I had to allow myself to wander in pain. Life is not an uphill slant. You may have already lived the best year possible, and perhaps have another few almost as good. 2019 is potentially your year, or it’s 2029. We’ll never know. We have to contend with the fact that our feet will always walk two separate steps. One contending, one searching for growth.
Do you ever feel you’re not good enough? How do you push past the thoughts?
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