I never had the courage to stick up for myself. An insecure monster delved into my bloodstream and I never had the strength to not feed it.
All my life, all I had ever known was that I was not good enough. I called myself names, I criticised my hardest work and I was always the first to ridicule my mistakes. Never did I need bullies or frenemies; I had me.
Why did this monster appear – I am not so sure. Growing up quiet and different certainly did not help.
I struggled to place myself in school. Friends picked on me and my older sister shot negativity right through to my veins.
Rarely do I recall receiving praise. I fought hard for attention. Nobody could have matched the several times I switched my pencil cases or purchased new stationary. To others I was showing off, to me I was begging to be liked.
I knew who I was deep down
Whatever judgement or comments made on the subject of me, they are not and nor ever will be true.
And despite knowing this, I chose to listen to them all. I allowed my mind to store insecure thoughts and even offered a recorder; subsequently the thoughts forever played.
I knew that I was sensitive
Although I did not use the term ‘sensitive soul’, as a child I was fully aware that stings were always wasps and not nettles.
Did that knowledge stop me from hate? Far from it; I tortured my sensitivity. Rarely did I let a mistake go. I held on to my embarrassments like a child who sleeps with a blanket.
I knew that I had faced pain
Nobody wants to play a victim. I educated myself to believe that I could not warrant any excuses.
It did not matter what I had been through, it was not acceptable to be insecure. I lived life on catch 22; telling myself off for not being confident whilst telling myself why I am a failure.
I knew that I was to blame
There was not much positivity. I was at a fun fair with no rides and no candy floss. As a child, I did not have the awareness to stand up to the world that I was facing, but I kept up this pretence far into adulthood.
It took me 25 years to say sorry. Sorry for doing to you what I would under no circumstances do to another. Sorry that I knocked you down further when you had already been kicked. Sorry for indulging your hate when I knew better. And I am sorry that I made you insecure.