It is not uncommon for me to receive a comment that classifies my posts as “honest” and “open”. The Style of Laura Jane was never supposed to reveal such personal insight.
There are however, aspects of my life that I would never reveal due to not wanting to write a blog that is perhaps ‘gossipy’. My relationships have been kept at a somewhat distance. I did experience a significant heartbreak nonetheless and it has re-defined who I am.
If I could summarise, I frequently ran back to a guy who could not commit or shift his words into actions. Whilst I regarded myself as independent and strong, there I was feeling weak, insecure and disappointed. Why I ran back is another complicated story; possibly a need within me to persuade him of my worth; plus my romantic heart refusing to back down and face the fact that I was wrong.
He is astonishingly intelligent, successful, charming, humorous and can walk into a room and instantly be in the centre. Those qualities stroked my low-self esteem; I query my own intellect, I wilt when meeting new people (let alone a crowd) and I faced back-lash when I took the chance to swap my makeup career for writing.
Measuring his skills against mine left me wanting to impress him. Whenever we would be ‘off’, that was my moment to lose weight, shoot with a wonderful photographer and transform as if I was leaving my caterpillar body behind. I taught myself that by editing and modifying, I could be everything that he could desire and somehow we would have the happily ever after.
One time in particular, I took the opportunity of separation as a valid reason to tone up. I have detailed thoroughly my struggles with health and I had plentiful excuses for getting into shape. I would be untruthful however, if I did not mention that he played a small contributing factor in my choice to work out and eat well.
As I seasoned through my transition, I never expected my mind to jump in the car for the ride. It was such a gratifying moment putting my before and after photos together, because I had not trusted my capabilities before. Once the health change kicked in, miraculously his thoughts became less and less noisy. I stopped wondering what he would say and if he preferred me more ‘curvy’.
Self-love is harder than real love. Humans find it easier to ignore the flaws of their partner, whilst they pick a part their own souls. We can have brains that we train to dislike their own homes. We glance at everyone else for symptoms that we are doing ok.
Being single now, I hear three phrases. The complimentary: “How are you single?”, the hopeful “I’m sure you will find someone soon” and the pitying “oh” – in a whiny, sad tone. But I hate these connotations as I enjoy my own company. If though, someone does come along and they are right for me – then great. I will not be wishing life away waiting and I will neither be moulding nor melting who I am, to help shape the plans of another.
When love turned to self-love; a recipe with the key ingredients of listening to my own voice, trusting my own voice and working on goals that only I admire formed.
Have you ever tried to change yourself for someone else? How did you find self-love or are you still discovering what it means?
Read about my health and fitness transformation.