Sitting with a glass of wine, a lightly lit bar and a mirrored wall behind my back – circling the many couples and groups of friends, I felt this swift gush of contentment seep through my body. And I’ve replayed that moment more times than I’ve listened to my favourite song. Today, I’m left over-analysing why.
We’d had many dates, we felt comfortable enough to say whatever – or maybe I did, and from the look in his eyes, I thought he was happy.
So why, months later and no alcohol, am I questioning what did I do wrong?
Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why are we not together? Why was I recklessly needy?
This thought-process is as wretched as picking a part my flaws in the mirror. It doesn’t end well – I don’t feel better after, and I don’t learn anything worth knowing.
Love yourself enough to be okay without the why’s – The Style of Laura Jane
Though I tell my friends that self-analysis is the making of me. How much more grown I am, now that I have studied my weakness’s. That compassion I feel I have – learnt from over-analysing why. When that friend repetitively ran back to an abusive boyfriend, or that other one disappeared when her partner set a date for marriage – I can explain.
Despite studies suggesting that over thinking is dangerous, I hold my ground and proclaim that my thoughts are dear. Dear enough to hurt me on consecutive occasions.
Do we need closure?
Apparently (if you believe social-media memes), Jennifer Aniston received closure when Brad and Angelina split – picture the infamous clip of Rachel leaving Ross a voicemail to say she had moved on.
Psychology Today, suggests it’s natural to go into a phase of over-analysing why when closure is missing. Because we understand the world through stories, we put our past, present and future together. If a gap is missing, it’s natural for us to want to find the hidden jig-saw.
Perhaps in the 90’s, closure was easier to source. What do you do when you’re ghosted? A word that once held no meaning, is now a phrase to describe a relationship ending.
Has online communication broke down barriers of empathy?
Admittedly, the last date I went on, I messaged him after to say I wouldn’t like another. But, we had never spoke on the phone before. We had not spent a night together, conversed with friends and discussed possible commitment.
I will take it further and say that our brief period was awkward. Think of a mash-up between Aladdin dating Snow White. I mean, hello – he belongs with Jasmine!
I am a moral preacher and angry sinner in one
How many talk on the phone now to arrange a meeting? Maybe the online world has made life convenient, and the exchange for instant shopping and quick downloads, is the price of lazy breakups.
We fleet people away as quickly as we do our fast-fashion.
We blame ourselves before another
Whether you read my title and thought of your career, friends or regret at a decision, if another person is involved – they are good. They are halo lights and fairy wings.
We as individuals – we are the problem. My ex was not perfect. He said himself that he is selfish. Though I disregarded that remark and made justifications.
It’s almost as if I don’t like myself. I want to act in the wrong – I am a moral preacher and angry sinner in one.
It could be that my heart was so torn and tarnished – it’s drawing reflecting a blood pool compounded with tears, it gave me no other choice but to change subject. To hide the fact that I was all alone again with the feeling of being loved gone.
My over-analysing why, was a determined step to think of me and not him. The problem was, I ended up doing both.
Stop over-analysing why
Months later and at my desk typing this, I’m confused as to why I need an answer. I know what psychology says, however, why is sometimes rhetorical.
Whatever reason, I kind of know that it won’t ever be enough. I will end up analysing his last words. And who knows – I might dig for potential to realign our stars.
Without the tears, fights and love collectively, I would not be me – The Style of Laura Jane
My favourite piece I have ever written, is about every guy being my soulmate. I believe, that no matter how hard I cry, if I create a new jig-saw and put together my own great joys with each person, I can move on in a better light.
So, instead of over-analysing why, I’m going to cherish the good, and place gratefulness that I’m stronger moving on. And I don’t need to break myself – I can learn as I go along.
Do you over-analyse after relationships or in life in general? Do you tend to blame yourself first?
Spring Giveaway Winner
Just a quick message here to say that I was emailed the winner of my Jord Spring giveaway competition. Kathleen from the blog – the good, the fab and the lovely, has won. A huge congrats to her and thank you to every one who took part. I will be planning my next competition soon – what kind of prize would you like to see?
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